Not me in the mirror / 1 March 2013
I'm feeling really down today, I could just up and walk away; the drugs just make me waste the day.
I felt fine years ago I think, but all that changed inside a blink. I’m floating then I start to sink, do I think too much or just think I think?
Am I me and does anyone care, if I even breath their air, or are they just all saying yeah, then forgetting I was ever there?
Much of today is wasted again, my watered down life is full of pain, mentally and physically I take the strain, of a million problems stuck in my brain.
But don't think that my heart escapes, the torture from my open scrapes, the wounds that heal leave flesh that gapes, and scars and memories keep me awake.
At night I lay with eyes of fear, and think of things I’ve done this year, or last, or forever, whatever - it's near ... but still I cannot shed a tear.
I've lied, I've cried, I might have died, I've strung along, been left behind, not proud of memories in this mind.
Am I just a paranoid psychopath, a little spineless idiot, a stupid fucking fool, a dosser, a tosser a loser too? It's not self-pity; it's me being true, scared that you'll see, so I'm not looking at you.
So ignore me again for I see in my skin, a devil, feral demon, a broken djinn. Trying to escape, and break that snake from within. One of these days I might just have to give in.
And that's not to say I will lose control, and kill, hurt or maim, that's not my goal. I'm more likely to harm my own withered soul, so just go on, keep looking forward, and walking ... all is told.
It's not me in the mirror; it's just a gaping black hole.
Bonk - 1st March 2013