15 February 2013
On this page DAO features a story in which the author re-imagines historical events if his father had stood for election as Prime Minister
November 9th 1940
'What a big upset!' The Daily Telegraph announces, “Dr Mel Schachter beats Winston Spencer Churchill in the national elections! Dad, leader of the Liberal party, makes his mark on British politics! What will he do? Now Churchill will be the leader of the Opposition! Churchill responds: “Firstly, I am dumbfounded! Dr Mel Schachter won fair and square. Mel is a credit to the human race. He is a great and compassionate man! Although I am sore that I lost, it is a great pleasure to lose to such a nice guy! May you live long and prosper!”
Failed Assassination Attempt
There was an attempt to politically assassinate my father in June of 1941, but it failed. Hitler tried the “salami sandwich trick” as it was famously called. The Germans went to 10 Downing Street and kept throwing salami sandwiches in his face, repetitively and intensely. But my father retaliated by eating all the sandwiches and then getting a good night’s sleep.
A Successful Assassination Attempt
Dad was very quick to anger so the following morning he retaliated. He befriended Klaus Philippe Von Staffenberg, who also wanted to assassinate Hitler. They meet Hitler and force him to chain-smoke. After a 100 or so cigarettes Hitler dies from Lung Cancer and everybody is happy again! The Germans are relieved and happy too! The evil monster is dead. “I am so over-joyed” says Dad.
Staffenberg is voted in unanimously the following morning as president of Germany. He gives Poland back to the Poles and puts Czechoslovakia back the way it was, as well as Austria. Staffenberg becomes very sympathetic towards the Jews. The Jewish people are now emancipated so Dad says, “How about if Alberta Canada becomes the new independent Jewish state?” So on October 1st 1941 the state of Judeo-Alberta is formed. Millions of Jews immigrate and Martin becomes prime minister. How happy everyone is! Martin runs the country of Judeo-Alberta superbly. Everyone likes him! Every house has a Coke machine. Edmonton is the capital. Money is put into education and in every college, university and school the language of ‘Gilbertish’ is learned. Martin is loved by millions and they vote him in election after election. Finally, in 1960, after 20 years of ruling the state he retires. In 1940 he defeated the evil William Aberhart.
Aftermath of 1941
Because Dad became prime minister, World War Two never happened. The invaded countries, such as Norway, were restored the way they were. There was a conference held in January of 1942 where Dad declared: “I will eat and eat for a month until I am completely satisfied.” Ruthy, his wife was against this but said: “Well, he is my husband and I love him but I am protesting because he is overweight!” Nevertheless, for a month Dad ate and ate and was really happy.
On February 6 1942, he made a public announcement over the radio: “I am going to bring Jonny Schachter’s Creative Writing class at the Avondale back in time and they will exist now in the 1940’s. I have the scientific means to do this! I will make the service users in the Creative Writing class members of my cabinet.”
Dr. Schachter says, “Because we need intelligent staff to be members of the cabinet I have come to the decision to appoint the following:
1. Colleen - Secretary of State
2. Denise – Secretary of Defence
3. Juliet – Department of Education
4. James – Department of Foreign Affairs
5. Ben – Department of Health
6. Susan – Speaker Of The House
7. Keir – Minister of Transport, Railways, and Air Pollution Control
8. Betty – Chancellor of The Exchequer
9. Heidi – Financial Adviser
10.Jonny - my son. He will provide the sandwiches.
11. Emmeline - liason of the army and navy.
11. John - Minister of Culture, Arts, and Public Libraries.”
So, on February 8th 1942, there is a whole new cabinet shuffle. They had lots of fun, food and everybody was very happy! Mel would always say: “Let’s eat!”
Then one day, something very strange happened. On March 1st 1942, James blurted out: “I am tired of eating all day Dr. Schachter. I am fed up and annoyed. It is boring. I want to do something constructive! Let’s invade Russia!
Let’s end the ways of that evil Josef Stalin!”
Juliet pointed out: “Melly my dear, eating all day is not constructive! Let’s give Stalin the boot! Let’s invade Russia! I agree with James!”
So the British invade the Kremlin and Police Constable David Stamp passes the buck and says: “Sergeant Juliet, I am scared. I am terrified. Could you arrest Josef Stalin for me?”
Juliet replies “Consider it done!” So the creative writing class approach Stalin and Juliet says “You are under arrest for thinking you can get away with anything, you nasty, evil man! Beware of the wrath of Juliet!”
Stalin cried and cried and fell to his knees. James says, “Do not think that you will get any sympathy from me. Arrest him!” So Juliet handcuffs Stalin and they all go home. They all go back to England.
The Trial of Stalin
In the courtroom is Stalin, the creative writing class, Jonny, Dad, Colleen and the judge. James blurts out “Feed him to the dogs!” The judge turns out to be Ben who has now learned to speak Russian perfectly and fluently. James keeps insulting Stalin. To everybody’s surprise James has learnt to speak Russian and keeps insulting Stalin.
Finally, Stalin shouts: “I do not like these insults! I cannot stand it anymore! I would rather die than put up with this psychological abuse!” Colleen prods Juliet, “Just tell the judge to put Stalin in jail and throw away the key!” So Ben decides and says in Russian: “We have decided that you get no trial! In fact, Mr Stalin, you get nothing! Throw him into the bottomless pit!” So Dad takes the initiative and throws Stalin into the bottomless pit. Emmeline says,” Well, that serves him right! He got what he deserved!” Now everybody is very happy.
1941 to 1951
From 1941 to 1951, Mel and his cabinet were in power. The U.K. was stable. Pearl Harbour never happened and the United States never did bomb Japan. Harry Truman loses the election in 1948 and Thomas Dewey becomes President. Dewey and Dad become friends.
This also means that the eastern bloc, or Eastern Europe, never became communist, with the exception of Yugoslavia, which, under Joseph Tito, becomes a more liberal communist state.
So, the map of Europe is actually quite different. Countries like Poland, Hungary, and Czechoslovakia are democratic countries and all have a four or five party system. Dad’s cabinet remains the same with two exceptions. He hires Denise to be Secretary of External Affairs and Joanna Osbaldiston to be Manager of Finance. Dad brings these people back through time. Because Martin, during this time, is prime minister of Judeo-Alberta; Canada and Independent Alberta become major powers. William Lyon MacKenzie King creates an alliance between Alberta and the rest of Canada so there will be no friction. The King of England, George 6th, instructs Juliet to appoint the governor-general of Alberta.
This is a pretty peaceful time for Europe and North America. Ruthy Schachter, wife of the English prime minister pursues a career in the Civil Liberties department and continually argues with her husband about what food to buy.
Administration, under Dad
In 1946 and 1947, Mum and Dad had two kids, Eric and Marion. In 1951, eleven years after holding office, Dad was voted out of office because of the ‘Pepperoni Sausage Crisis’. Dad went from home to home eating all the cold cuts from people’s fridges. So finally, everybody had enough of his consumption and voted him out. Now the prime minister is Clement Atlee. In late 1955, Atlee lost in the election and Dad was voted back in as prime minister.
Dad announced in 1956, “Since I feel Winston Churchill got the short end of the stick, I have made the decision to form a coalition government with him.” The coalition lasted for ten years, when in 1965, Dad simply decided to retire. Dad had to make a decision what to do with the creative writing class. This period from 1955 to 1965 was a quiet time of great prosperity. Then in November of 1965 something happened.
How this story ends
So, on November 12th, Dad said, “I have the scientific skills and means to now put the creative writing class back to the year 2012. He continued, “I have reversed the ageing process so I will only be sixty years old in the year 2012”. So everybody goes forward in time thanks to Dad’s laboratory. Anyway, now it is 2012 and the class is back the way it was.
Amongst the staff members is Emmeline. Dad announces to his son Jonny: “Would you like to marry Emmeline, son? She is really nice and very pretty!”
Jonny replies: “Wow, Dad! You have solved all my problems with girls! No wonder you are such a bright, smart, and qualified psychiatrist.” Jonny goes on, “She is so pretty, kind and gentle!” So he cuddles her and falls asleep in her arms. An hour later, he wakes up and the creative writing class is still there.
Then there is a party and everybody is very happy! Dad, because he is Jewish, says, “I give you my blessing. Dad lives for another thirty years with my mother. Do not forget, dear reader, Dad has found a cure for the ageing process so my mother lives for another forty years. Emmeline and Jonny live happily ever after and everybody is very happy!