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whose reality is it anyway? / 7 June 2009

Hello people, I have spent the last couple of months dipping in and out of psychosis, but I now am more in the world of shared 'normal' reality, even though it is a bunch of bill-paying bollocks, where politician pay themselves expenses for fucking us over. I can feel myself coming out of it now, which means more blogs posted regularly.

Whilst I was in psychosis I saw a lot of birds trapped in walls and set concrete, trying impossibly to fly. Psychosis is rarely meaningless. For me the trapped bird are a metaphor for what is going on in the soul. I know I feel trapped on a mundane level of bills, bullshit and Britian's got Talent. But the bird is also my madness, I can set it free and leave this earth behind, but that means leaving the people I love behind too. The bird wants to fly but maybe it shouldn’t, or maybe the walls should turn into clouds so I don’t need to leave earth.

The problem with Psychiatry is that it rips the wings off people, when they should help the person find a reason to stay grounded on this earth.

And I stay grounded by love, art, and making this ordinary reality extraordinary.
Having said that, I mourn my loss of otherworldness. Time for a poetic elegy:

This skin can't hold me in
The Heart wants out
The Heart wants out
Out of the corner of one eye
I weigh the feather in the spit
of dreams
Turn another corner, the eyes
cannot cover itself with skin
Blood is thicker
But no skies stay red
You have to break trees in half
Burn the flower
and stand in its shade
And wait
And wait...

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Comments

Aloyse Raptopoulos

/
2 August 2009

Sorry to hear things have been tought recently. Hope you can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, or maybe, in your more meaningful words, that the bird has been set free... Alo

Dolly

/
24 June 2009

Yes, Col, it is a human response to mad world. I think our sensitivity to life has no or little protection, it is not covered by our bodily skin, it wants away from the body that constrains it and forces it to feel. That's my sense of it anyway.

Psychosis is very seductive and to me feels a more natural way of being and thinking. 'Normal' thinking feels strangely false, as if it is my second language, and I want to go home to psychosis. The thing is the people I love don't speak it, they don't understand it at all. I think if I didn't have anybody to love, I would reside permanently in my natural state. I can't go 'home'. I have to be a refugee in normality.

I hope things get better for you Col, lots of love from your fellow Strange Lander xxx

Col

/
13 June 2009

Hi Dolly. Thanks for your poetic response. It caught me at a time of trying to hold down my own psychosis; trying to hold my son going through his. Tears can be a good release - but they don't answer the day-to-day mundane question of how do you hold it all togethr? Sometimes I wonder if psychosis isn't a natural response to a mad world; a mad system ...